I feel the gravity of it all…

December 1, 2007 at 8:18 pm (crying)

First of all, thanks to everyone who asked why I was not blogging.  Here is an explanation for all of you.

Well, this wasn’t my week.

5 days ago, I had a big fight with Chris, basically because he thinks that I’m a great guy but he also thinks something was wrong with my behavior/me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started to bring lots of moments we had together, and all the time he was pointing the fact that I was doing things in order to have his approval. Which, is true. It’s hard for him to understand that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!

And it’s harder for me to accept it.

After that big fight, the same day, his mother had a huge car accident, and now she’s at the hospital. I was still thinking of how was I supposed to behave/be in order to have a better relationship with him when he knocked on my door with tears in his eyes. I felt so little, so small. I still feel the same way.

I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, and every time I look at him it breaks my heart to see the pain in his look.

Last night, I was mugged in the street. The material things don’t really matter, but the guy put a gun in front of me, and I just gave him everything he wanted. He kicked my back and punch my stomach so hard that I threw up in the street, and the people that was near in the street didn’t even asked me if I was ok.

I’ve never in my entire life felt so insignificant, so useless. I have a relationship that I cannot make works, because I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who is going through a terrible moment, and I don’t know how to tell him that everything’s gonna be alright, ‘cuz I don’t know if it’s gonna be that way. I don’t know what the fuck am I gonna do with my life. And last night, for the first time in my entire life I realize that in this world NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE REST.

The only thing I could do after that, once I got home, was sit on my bed and cry the most bitter tears I’ve ever cried. I haven’t sleep, I haven’t eat, I just want to stop feeling like this, because I can’t understand what is it.

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Ok, it’s MeMe time!!!

November 16, 2007 at 5:34 pm (gay)

I’ve been a little bit down this days, and it’s just because. I have no reason for being sad/miserable, but that’s the way it happened.  So, I’m done with it.  That’s why I’m back posting.   Luv y’all!

5 Things in My BackPack Briefcase

1. Laptop (How could I live without it?)

2. Cellphone. I used to have a very cool cellphone, but I’m kinda stuck with a past generation cell. Whatevs.

3. My wonderful “Magic Box”. For those times when I need to smoke some magic 😛

4. Cigarettes (I’m sorry, I’m an addict)

5. Another Shirt or T-shirt (you never know…)

 

5 Things in My Wallet
1. Cash

2. Transportation Card

3. Picture of Chris 😀

4. All wrappers I refuse to throw in the street.

5. Receipts

 

5 Things I Like Most in My House

1. Chris on my bed (no coments)

2. My bed

3. My PC

4. My TV

5. My PS3

 

5 Things I’d Like To Try

1. Being less of a workaholic

2.Travel around the world

3. Stay in bed a whole weekend just ordering food over the phone.

4. Play piano in Public

5. Sing in Public

 

5 Things I’m Doing Now

1. Watching videos on Youtube

2. Trying to figure out how can I do 5 things at the same time.

3. Eating Lunch at my desk

4. Talking to Chris on MSN

5. Making Plans for tonight.

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Melancholic Me

November 8, 2007 at 2:54 pm (gay)

Jose González – Heartbeats

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influense
We had devine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then releaf

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth’s
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no.

********

Have a nice nice day.

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Weird Life

November 7, 2007 at 5:08 am (J is a big fish now, J is overwhelmed, J is so fucked up right now, J wants to have some time off)

Today something weird happened.

My boss, one of the nicest guys that I’ve ever met, said goodbye to me and after that presented his resignation letter to the manager. I wasn’t really sure about what was going on, because once I got in the office, no one was talking about nothing; just looking each other suspiciously. I mean “fuck, this is a freaking office, why are they not talking at all“.

After that, my boss says goodbye to me, and his boss (the manager) calls us to the meeting room. I thought “well, this is not good: my boss was fired, and probably I will be fired too” (I didn’t have a reason for that, I was just shocked).

The manager told me that my boss presented the resignation letter because the most important newspaper in Chile wrote an article about him, in which he was depicted as a pedophile. The upper management took him out of the project, and therefore the country. Well, it was absolutely not shocking, because I knew he had that issue (basically, he was not a pedophile; he once paid for a male prostitue who happened to be a minor), and since I am really focused on work and I don’t care at all about what he did before he was my boss, I’ve never saw that in perspective. Until today.

Now, I’m in charge of all he did on the department I work with. I’m the new “Trainer Manager” (totally honorary title, because my paycheck says “nothing’s different”), and I’m pretty sure I’ll sink myself in this position.

Bottom Line: It’s good to be me, but it sucks to be me.

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The Weekly Update

November 5, 2007 at 1:13 pm (J and Halloween, J doesn't know what to do, j has a lots of thigs to do, J is happy but tired, J wants to be the best worker ever)

This two weeks have been deranged.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve been workin’ non stop. I recognize that life is smiling at me like never before; my contract has been confirmed and approved, my relationship with Chris and my family (and old and new friends) is going smoothly, and I have finally moved to my own apartment (no more crappy roomates, for cripes sake). Well, life’s good; but setting things aside, I’ve been a little bit stressed this last two weeks.

First of all -and basically the source of all my stress-, my job. I’m working in a company that’s having “some issues”. Not financial issues, but legal.
My job is to train people for Customer Care and Technical Support of this company and they are becoming unpopular.

Well, I think is gonna happen like this: In two years, I’m still working as Lead Trainer (or maybe they’ll realize that I’m the best trainer they have and promote me to Trainer Manager for all LatinAmerican sites. Which is not gonna happen. Like ever) in this VoIP company, or I’ll keep my job and my position in the company is gonna result due a merger of this company and its competitor(s).

And I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m about to collapse. I’m very dramatic, also.

The only fun I had at job last week was Halloween, and my costume was kinda cool but the pictures were taken SO late (I got there at 7 am -as usual-, and the pictures were taken around midnight. I was not really in costume anymore), plus dealing with all the extra work that comes around a holiday (since everytone is to busy looking funny/gorgeous/creepy. Or eating candy. Or taking pictures).

Anyways, this is my late-kinda-half-dressed Halloween picture…

Juan at Halloween

From left to right: Julio (as a dark version of “Vash The Sampede” from Trigun), Daniela (as an Idol Singer from Japan) and me (being not as Scottish as I’ve wanted). Please, notice my beard LOL.

Well, this week is gonna be hard anyway: lots of things to do, lots of things to care of, and the most important things:

1.- Chris starts his therapy this week, and I have to be nothing less than supportive.

2.- This week arrives the company’s CEO, and everyone in this floor is trippin’ balls. I dunno what am I supposed to do with all those crazy bastards, but surely I’ll have to put myself in the best possible light.

3.- This week also arrives my uncle. He’s back from his trip to Greece.

Anyway… Lots of things.

See ya guys!

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Betrayal

October 30, 2007 at 2:58 am (Did you really think that i'm stupid?, dissapointed)


betrayal.jpg

Every time someone is successful, there’s people who will be happy for them and people who will envy the,, and they’ll do anything to watch them fall on their faces.
Things at work keep getting better for me everyday, I keep on “ascending through the corporate stairway” and my boss is really happy with my work; but no matter what, there’s people who want to be here without working for it, not even deserving it; and they look forward to se me fall, recurring to lies and misrepresentation of my persona.

But, quoting Joseph Conrad: “All a man can betray is his conscience”.

See ya around! 😀

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Rain of Light

October 23, 2007 at 2:12 pm (love, poem, sex)

The words flourish
in the smiling mouths
and the air is flooded
with soft fragrances.
The rays of the moon
illuminate the faces
and love appears
behind the clouds.
The beauty rocks
in a garden of roses
and caresses the life
with its silken hands.
The magic of the night
fascinates the hearts
and lips join together
tasting the kisses.
The crystal stars
attract the nice dreams
and from the sky falls
a rain of light.

5.jpg

After a long time of waiting, I finally did it. And I’m happy about it.

Chris, your the most wonderful human being on earth; and I love you.

Yes, I love you.

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Gay Pride and Danny Radcliffe (or should I say Dan?)

September 28, 2007 at 4:30 pm (Daniel Radcliffe, friendship, gay, love, music, Parade, Pride)

Mood:  Tired but happy.

Song:  Gloria Trevi – Todos Me Miran ( Everyone looks at me)

Tú me hiciste sentir que no valía (You made me feel I wasn’t worthy)
y mis lágrimas cayeron a tus pies (And my tears ran down to your feet )
me miraba en el espejo y no me hallaba (I stared myself in the mirror and I didn’t find myself)
yo era sólo lo que tú querías ver (I was only what you wanted to see)

Y me solté el cabello, me vestí de reina (And I untied my hair, and dressed like a queen)
me puse tacones, me pinté y era bella (Put my heels and make up on and I was beautiful)
y caminé hacia la puerta, te escuché gritarme (I walked towards the door, I heard you yell at me)
pero tus cadenas ya no pueden pararme (But your chains won’t stop me anymore)
y miré la noche y ya no era oscura, era de lentejuelas (And I look the skynight and it wasn’t dark, it was made of sequins)

Y todos me miran, me miran, me miran (And everyone looks at me)
porque sé que soy linda, porque todos me admiran (Cuz I know I’m pretty, cuz everyone admires me)
Y todos me miran, me miran, me miran (And everyone looks at me)
porque hago lo que pocos se atreverán (Cuz I do what few dare to do)
Y todos me miran, me miran, me miran (And everyone looks at me)
algunos con envidia pero al final, pero al final (some may be envious, but at the end)
pero al final, todos me amarán (At th end everyone will love me)

Tomorrow is the Chilean Gay Pride Parade.  I’m very excited, because Chris and I decided to go 😀 Is the first time I’m gonna be at one, and I even bought tickets to the official party 😀

And, puleeeeesah!… take a look at Danny Radcliffe.  He’s not little Harry Potter anymore, and he’s showing us that he’s a lot of things but a kid.

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And then came you.

September 25, 2007 at 5:48 pm (being better, dinner, dreams, flirting, gay, happyness, improving, kiss, love, music)

Mood:  Superhero!

Song:   Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

Is funny how things happen.

I was always bitching about how lonely I feel, and when I decided to feel lonely no more, I found him feeling lonely too.
And I’m amazed by the fact that two guys can be born and raised so far from each other and still being so alike.

We’ve been seeing each other every single day since we started to date.  Movies, dancing, park, restaurants, whatever: there’s always something fun to do.
And yesterday, he was a little bit quiet.  I asked him why, if something was wrong…  His face was blushing and suddenly he asked me to be his boyfriend.

And I said yes  😀

——

We’ll do it all, Everything on our own
We don’t need anything or anyone

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much, they’re not enough

If I lay here, f I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told, before we get too old, show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace to remind me, to find my own

If I lay here, f I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told, before we get too old, show me a garden that’s bursting into life
All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see
I don’t know when, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

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New Version Of Me

September 21, 2007 at 2:21 pm (being better, dinner, dreams, flirting, friendship, Games, gay, happyness, improving, kiss, love, music, Shy, tea, town)

Mood: Happy

Song: New Version Of You

“Can you become a new version of you?
New wallpaper, new shoe leather, a new way home
I don’t remember
New version of you, I need a new version of me”

I’m overwhelmed by the direction my life has taken this last week.

First of all, I have a clique at work though they’re not co-workers, so I spend a lot of time with ’em.

Second, my boss noticed that I’ve been workin’ hard on these past holidays (in order to provide the services that we’re expected to give to our customers, even when we’re facing a “storm” caused by the 5-days National Holiday celebration). Work was done impeccably, and all the credit was mine to seize. He was so happy that we even talked about the possibility of a trip to the States (yay!)

And finally, I met a guy. Is kinda funny, cuz we met long time ago through internet (I told you that I was a gamer before, right?).
I’ve been playing Lineage 2 for a long time, and this guy was in my team, and we used to talk about stuff (tons of it. he knows me better than my dad, by now).
Last 19th all geeks that play on the Chilean server got together in a barbecue, and since I’m feeling more confident about myself, I went to the meeting.

It took just one second. I look at him and I stared. I was dazzled, this guy is handsome and sweet, and shy too. It was glorious, because we both were looking at each other’s eyes… We started talking, and we realized we have a lot in common. It was about sunset when we decided to keep talking in a quieter place.
Since my apartment was a 10 minutes walk away, we were on our path to get a nice cup of tea. We kept talking about music, life, movies, games, and everything was flowing naturally… Suddenly he took my hand, and he told me he thought that I was beautiful and rare, and he kissed me in the cheek… He was blushing and he was really, really nervous (and so was I, but I tried not to crumble and melt right there).

I just wanted to, so I held his hand for a few seconds, and I kissed him. His lips tasted so sweet, and he was trembling as I was; we kissed for a long time…

That day, officially we started dating. Today, we’re going out for pizza and beer, and then to a movie.

I AM HAPPY!!!

BTW: His name is Chris. And he has the most intense brown eyes I’ve ever seen.

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