Betrayal

October 30, 2007 at 2:58 am (Did you really think that i'm stupid?, dissapointed)


betrayal.jpg

Every time someone is successful, there’s people who will be happy for them and people who will envy the,, and they’ll do anything to watch them fall on their faces.
Things at work keep getting better for me everyday, I keep on “ascending through the corporate stairway” and my boss is really happy with my work; but no matter what, there’s people who want to be here without working for it, not even deserving it; and they look forward to se me fall, recurring to lies and misrepresentation of my persona.

But, quoting Joseph Conrad: “All a man can betray is his conscience”.

See ya around! 😀

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To reach the stars, and then to die

September 6, 2007 at 12:56 pm (dead, dissapointed, music, Silent)

Today, at 5 am I felt the silence covering the earth for a minute. All good and nice dreams were suddenly stopped, and all the people who dwell in the shadows of the night lost their voices and remain silent for a few moments…

Today, at 5 am, Luciano Pavarotti, the greatest opera singer alive, died in Modena, in his house.

I was lucky to see him. When he came to Chile, in 1995 (I was 13 yrs old), my uncle invited me too his concert. That moment will be with me all of my life. I remember he sang “E Lucevan Le Stelle” from Tosca, and I could felt his pain, his love, his whole life exposed while that amazing voice came out of his mouth.

I think he lived doing one of the most beautiful jobs that a person can have: to give emotions and bring out feeling from the audience.

Luciano, you touched the sky, reached the stars, died and now you will delight ’em with your magnificent voice.

Farewell.

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Was it impossible to float for a while???

September 3, 2007 at 11:06 pm (dinner, dissapointed, dreams, drinking, gay, kiss, love, music)

Just for making a difference?

I was getting interested in the guy. His beautiful eyes, his mouth, his way f thinking, the way he look…

But of course, things are not like we wanted. After that day I posted in here, we had a nice dinner. After that we went to my apartment, and keep on drinking some wine (you know I love it). We were sitting on a couch, and he got really close to me. I was nervous, I felt excited and nervous at the same time, is like being on a roller coaster… He never stopped looking at me, and I told him that he was making me nervous, though I couldn’t stop smiling. He told me to close my eyes, which I did just to feel his breath upon my lips. He softly kissed me, and it felt awesome, and weird and strange, and awesome again (first time… I was kissed!!!).

Of course, it couldn’t be that perfect…

He told me yesterday that he needed to talk with me. That he thinks tat I’m a great catch, that I’m one of the coolest guys ever and all that bullshit. Cuz he has a boyfriend.

” The torture won’t part you
Motherly breast won’t warm you
You fail and foam from your mouth
why is it so loud, this sound?

All the sense your are capable of
does not seem to save you
You heed the glance of a smile
Was it impossible to float for a while?

Restless is carrying fever
burning you to pieces
In search and need of a friend
Will I bow down to this in the end?

I lay in the hands of my maker
and I want to spend the rest of it awake
Why do I get the feeling they’ll break it
It’s a fight… it’s a fight…”

The Gathering – Amity

I’ll guess I’m gonna be ok.

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Dear God

August 20, 2007 at 9:31 pm (crying, dissapointed, dreams, music, unconfident)

Today I don’t believe in anything. I’m depressed, or maybe is the winter, I dunno. I really (really) want to give up on a lot of things…

I’m in Santiago and started with my new job. My job is awesome, and what takes me down is absolutely non related to that…

My sister told me that she’s engaged. Finally, after 2 years, she is engaged, and she and his boyfriend will marry on next December. I should be happy for her, cuz that’s something big for her, but I can’t.

Anyways, selfish people are alone… That explains a lot.

Today, I recommend this song, which perfectly fits with my mood.

Dear God – Sarah McLachlan

Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
‘Cause they don’t get enough to eat
From God
I can’t believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
‘Cause they can’t make opinions meet

About God,
I can’t believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,
Don’t know if you noticed, but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain’t, and so do you

Dear God,
I can’t believe in…
I don’t believe in…

I won’t believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You’re always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it’s the same the whole world ’round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Is just somebody’s unholy hoax
And if you’re up there you’d perceive
That my heart’s here upon my sleeve.
If there’s one thing I don’t believe in…..

It’s you…..
Dear God.

that’s true, I don’t believe in you!!!

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Tired (The story of a Lonely Teacher)

August 13, 2007 at 2:41 am (crying, dissapointed, dreams, Shy, unconfident)

Lonely

Today I was thinking about this note*. What could I possibly write to make it funnier? I was thinking about some changes on the speech; being more comedic than dramatic. ‘Cause, you know, if I’m still single, is not because everybody else in this world became blind. Is just that I’ve never was really good at some things (dating being one of ’em).

I was thinking about being a nerd my entire life, and I was told by other people about bullying and stuff. And, sadly, I was thinking about myself back in school. I was not even known by my classmates. I had just one ‘friend’ at school, and he didn’t even like me; he kept having me as his friend because he wanted to get closer to my lil sister. Maybe only the teachers knew about myself because they were sort of afraid that I was some kind of psycho fuck (the fact that I was by myself all the time, and no one spoke to me didn’t really helped) they ‘recommended’ me to a shrink.

C’mon people, I AM JUST SHY!

I can’t picture myself in a party, basically for two reasons: one, I don’t have the kind of friends who go out and party; and two, if I would actually had ’em, maybe they’d be embarrassed because I don’t really know how to be social. I have already a hard time being a teacher, because student’s behavior is way more intense than I remembered. And, most important thing: I just fail to see someone nicely talking to me just because. Back in high school, guys just talked to me because they wanted to approve their finals. After that, they never spoke to me again. I didn’t fit with the dorks. Not even the freaks were my friends…

I’ve been shy since I can recall. Mom tells me that is just because I’m ‘in the wrong path’. That if I catch a nice lady, my life would become easier; I would even be able to speak out freely, without feeling stupid as it usually happens. I hate being like this, I think it’s nonsensical that a 30 yr old guy, who lives on his own, with a nice work, and average looking couldn’t find a way to feel comfortable with himself.

I hate being shy!
I hate being that guy who is so silent that becomes creepy.
I hate that no one ever looked at me when I’m walking down the street.
I hate that I always fell for the wrong guy.
Because basically, my entire life I’ve had crushes on the popular guys, the ones that have a beautiful smile. I don’t even like athletic guys (it’s kinda giving up. If the regular ones don’t even notice me, why should the muscled hunks do it?), I just want to be able to picture myself as a happy guy.

I think I’m pissed off about the way I handle (or don’t handle) socialization. But the most I think about it, the most I get to the same point. I need to stop doing this, ’cause it’s killing me. I don’t want to be known just for my family. At this very moment, I just have two friends. And both of ’em live in another city. I just want…

I just don’t want to be lonely.

*Colleague of mine

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