I feel the gravity of it all…

December 1, 2007 at 8:18 pm (crying)

First of all, thanks to everyone who asked why I was not blogging.  Here is an explanation for all of you.

Well, this wasn’t my week.

5 days ago, I had a big fight with Chris, basically because he thinks that I’m a great guy but he also thinks something was wrong with my behavior/me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started to bring lots of moments we had together, and all the time he was pointing the fact that I was doing things in order to have his approval. Which, is true. It’s hard for him to understand that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!

And it’s harder for me to accept it.

After that big fight, the same day, his mother had a huge car accident, and now she’s at the hospital. I was still thinking of how was I supposed to behave/be in order to have a better relationship with him when he knocked on my door with tears in his eyes. I felt so little, so small. I still feel the same way.

I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, and every time I look at him it breaks my heart to see the pain in his look.

Last night, I was mugged in the street. The material things don’t really matter, but the guy put a gun in front of me, and I just gave him everything he wanted. He kicked my back and punch my stomach so hard that I threw up in the street, and the people that was near in the street didn’t even asked me if I was ok.

I’ve never in my entire life felt so insignificant, so useless. I have a relationship that I cannot make works, because I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who is going through a terrible moment, and I don’t know how to tell him that everything’s gonna be alright, ‘cuz I don’t know if it’s gonna be that way. I don’t know what the fuck am I gonna do with my life. And last night, for the first time in my entire life I realize that in this world NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE REST.

The only thing I could do after that, once I got home, was sit on my bed and cry the most bitter tears I’ve ever cried. I haven’t sleep, I haven’t eat, I just want to stop feeling like this, because I can’t understand what is it.

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Dear God

August 20, 2007 at 9:31 pm (crying, dissapointed, dreams, music, unconfident)

Today I don’t believe in anything. I’m depressed, or maybe is the winter, I dunno. I really (really) want to give up on a lot of things…

I’m in Santiago and started with my new job. My job is awesome, and what takes me down is absolutely non related to that…

My sister told me that she’s engaged. Finally, after 2 years, she is engaged, and she and his boyfriend will marry on next December. I should be happy for her, cuz that’s something big for her, but I can’t.

Anyways, selfish people are alone… That explains a lot.

Today, I recommend this song, which perfectly fits with my mood.

Dear God – Sarah McLachlan

Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
‘Cause they don’t get enough to eat
From God
I can’t believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
‘Cause they can’t make opinions meet

About God,
I can’t believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,
Don’t know if you noticed, but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain’t, and so do you

Dear God,
I can’t believe in…
I don’t believe in…

I won’t believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You’re always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it’s the same the whole world ’round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Is just somebody’s unholy hoax
And if you’re up there you’d perceive
That my heart’s here upon my sleeve.
If there’s one thing I don’t believe in…..

It’s you…..
Dear God.

that’s true, I don’t believe in you!!!

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Tired (The story of a Lonely Teacher)

August 13, 2007 at 2:41 am (crying, dissapointed, dreams, Shy, unconfident)

Lonely

Today I was thinking about this note*. What could I possibly write to make it funnier? I was thinking about some changes on the speech; being more comedic than dramatic. ‘Cause, you know, if I’m still single, is not because everybody else in this world became blind. Is just that I’ve never was really good at some things (dating being one of ’em).

I was thinking about being a nerd my entire life, and I was told by other people about bullying and stuff. And, sadly, I was thinking about myself back in school. I was not even known by my classmates. I had just one ‘friend’ at school, and he didn’t even like me; he kept having me as his friend because he wanted to get closer to my lil sister. Maybe only the teachers knew about myself because they were sort of afraid that I was some kind of psycho fuck (the fact that I was by myself all the time, and no one spoke to me didn’t really helped) they ‘recommended’ me to a shrink.

C’mon people, I AM JUST SHY!

I can’t picture myself in a party, basically for two reasons: one, I don’t have the kind of friends who go out and party; and two, if I would actually had ’em, maybe they’d be embarrassed because I don’t really know how to be social. I have already a hard time being a teacher, because student’s behavior is way more intense than I remembered. And, most important thing: I just fail to see someone nicely talking to me just because. Back in high school, guys just talked to me because they wanted to approve their finals. After that, they never spoke to me again. I didn’t fit with the dorks. Not even the freaks were my friends…

I’ve been shy since I can recall. Mom tells me that is just because I’m ‘in the wrong path’. That if I catch a nice lady, my life would become easier; I would even be able to speak out freely, without feeling stupid as it usually happens. I hate being like this, I think it’s nonsensical that a 30 yr old guy, who lives on his own, with a nice work, and average looking couldn’t find a way to feel comfortable with himself.

I hate being shy!
I hate being that guy who is so silent that becomes creepy.
I hate that no one ever looked at me when I’m walking down the street.
I hate that I always fell for the wrong guy.
Because basically, my entire life I’ve had crushes on the popular guys, the ones that have a beautiful smile. I don’t even like athletic guys (it’s kinda giving up. If the regular ones don’t even notice me, why should the muscled hunks do it?), I just want to be able to picture myself as a happy guy.

I think I’m pissed off about the way I handle (or don’t handle) socialization. But the most I think about it, the most I get to the same point. I need to stop doing this, ’cause it’s killing me. I don’t want to be known just for my family. At this very moment, I just have two friends. And both of ’em live in another city. I just want…

I just don’t want to be lonely.

*Colleague of mine

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