I feel the gravity of it all…

December 1, 2007 at 8:18 pm (crying)

First of all, thanks to everyone who asked why I was not blogging.  Here is an explanation for all of you.

Well, this wasn’t my week.

5 days ago, I had a big fight with Chris, basically because he thinks that I’m a great guy but he also thinks something was wrong with my behavior/me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started to bring lots of moments we had together, and all the time he was pointing the fact that I was doing things in order to have his approval. Which, is true. It’s hard for him to understand that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!

And it’s harder for me to accept it.

After that big fight, the same day, his mother had a huge car accident, and now she’s at the hospital. I was still thinking of how was I supposed to behave/be in order to have a better relationship with him when he knocked on my door with tears in his eyes. I felt so little, so small. I still feel the same way.

I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, and every time I look at him it breaks my heart to see the pain in his look.

Last night, I was mugged in the street. The material things don’t really matter, but the guy put a gun in front of me, and I just gave him everything he wanted. He kicked my back and punch my stomach so hard that I threw up in the street, and the people that was near in the street didn’t even asked me if I was ok.

I’ve never in my entire life felt so insignificant, so useless. I have a relationship that I cannot make works, because I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who is going through a terrible moment, and I don’t know how to tell him that everything’s gonna be alright, ‘cuz I don’t know if it’s gonna be that way. I don’t know what the fuck am I gonna do with my life. And last night, for the first time in my entire life I realize that in this world NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE REST.

The only thing I could do after that, once I got home, was sit on my bed and cry the most bitter tears I’ve ever cried. I haven’t sleep, I haven’t eat, I just want to stop feeling like this, because I can’t understand what is it.

Advertisements

10 Comments

  1. diamondfistwerny said,

    Awww Arkano, I’m sorry you have so much going on. Take it minute-by-minute, literally. Don’t tackle all of these things at once. Prioritize the issues and feelings; and don’t let it snowball. Also, blog about it and talk to friends as much as you want. It helps, trust me. Sending positivity your way.

    xoxox

  2. Java said,

    Oh, Arkano, I am so sorry about all this crap happening to you!
    first of all, YES, people do care about you! Right now this may be the only place you can find it, but as Steve says, blog about it. Steve knows about these things. Steve is very wise about lots of stuff, actually.

    Have you eaten recently? You cannot deal with life if you have no food in you. Food is fuel. If you are too upset to eat, just pick up something very healthy and eat as much as you comfortably can. Especially if you are not eating much, you need to make sure what you eat is healthy. And drink water or juice, something to keep you hydrated. You will be able to think more clearly if you do.

    I have enjoyed reading your blog and learning about your life. I was excited for you when you moved to the city, and when you got the promotion at your job. I was very happy when you and Chris got together. Now I am sad with you about all these hard things happening in your life.

    That is all I will say now. But I will check back again soon. And if you want, you can send me an email. I promise I will respond to you if you do. Really, Arkano, I care about you. I may be far away, and have not met you in person, but I care about you anyway.

  3. jeremy said,

    You’ve got to take care of you. Having a relationship is hard, because you told us that someone was having emotional issues, that was some time ago, did you take that into consideration?

    I’m sorry for all the pain, but God does not hand us things that he doesn’t think we cannot handle. so buckle up and ride the roller coaster the best you can.

    You are alive, that is a good thing. Take care of you and remember that This Too Shall Pass…

    You are not alone.

    Keep in touch

    Jeremy

  4. mike/ said,

    Charlie Chaplin – “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.”

    one of the things i’ve learned, and it was a difficult lesson for me, is that people do what they do because of them and it really has nothing to do with me. they just do those things.

    what i DO is make up stories about the things they do and how they concern me. they are my stories and don’t have anything to do with what they did.

    for example, when i was 4 years old my father promised to take me to the zoo. instead he took me to a bar. he was an alcoholic. he did it because HE had an addiction. what i did was make up the stories that he didn’t love me and i couldn’t trust men.

    i made it about me, but it wasn’t. it was about him. all i can do is be about me.

    your friend, his mother, the guy who mugged you, they all did what they did. what’s important, is what are you going to do?

    it seems like you may have made up a story all ready – i’m insignificant and i’m useless.

    you are the only one that can do something about that.

    i can empathize with you, because i have felt these kinds of things too. i can give you advise, but i have discovered that people do what they want anyway – i have. i can tell you everything is going to be okay, but it does seem to you like it will right now and it might never be.

    what can i do? just what Steve and Java have done. let you know that we are here. distance is only a frame of mind. when we feel the most alone is when we aren’t.

  5. Nituru said,

    I’m glad you wrote again. Sorry to hear all the sad news. This all sounds pretty bad. It doesn’t seem fair. But then, life isn’t fair. Sounds like we are both in a mess right now.
    Hang in there bro! And remember that you are a wonderful man.
    Am thinking about you. Don’t hesitate to email me. I am far away but close.

  6. tigeryogiji said,

    Arkano I am so sorry that you’re going through all of this. Please take care of yourself and talk this out with Chris. Communication is key. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. ink2metal said,

    hola j,

    keep trying to stay optimistic. i too have a lot of not so good things happening but it doesn’t do any good to worry about things that are out of your control. try to relax and really see what’s going on. nothing gets solved if all you see is the chaos.

    good luck and be well!

    *hugs*

  8. Doug said,

    Relationships can be tricky, but if Chris is willing to talk to you and tell you what he finds wrong, that is a good step. It seems to me he wants to make it work. And he came to you when he heard the news about his mom, so he needs you. All you can do is try and be there for him. Sometimes there is nothing really to say or do, just be close and care.

    I am sorry to hear about you got robbed. Being robbed would be a scary thing I think. And I think it is also true that sometimes people get scared and they don’t want to get involved. I am sorry that no one came to help you.

    Just take everything one step at a time. Deal with what you can and make sure you get plenty of rest and try not to work to hard and give yourself some time.

    I do care about you. I think you are a great, thoughtful guy and you have a lot of great qualities. Remember that. I know we bloggers are sometimes so far away, but we are a community of sorts and we can be there to support each other, as much as we can.

    But keep blogging if you choose to, and if it makes you feel better. I will keep reading. Just try and hang in there.

    Hugs!

  9. Dennis said,

    Just found your blog. Wish I can say things get better but really they just become different. You incorporate the pain and treat it like an oyster making a pearl: wrap it in good memories alternating with layers of wistfulness. Just dont do it alone.

  10. Kris said,

    Sorry things were hard for you. Take it just one step at a time (advice people told me) when I sorta lose track of what really matters and get focused on the pain.

    This is a learning experience for both you and Chris. I know it’s a bit hard, Carlos is my first relationship, and ugh, the fights we’ve had, especially over the summer. Just act your usual self, and I think with relationships, you just learn as you go. There really isn’t a handbook we can use since it’s all different for all of us.

    We can’t make your pain go away but we’re here if you ever need anything. Maybe we can help to ease it a bit even if all we can do is listen.

    Take care J. Hugs…

    Life can be tough sometimes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: