I feel the gravity of it all…

December 1, 2007 at 8:18 pm (crying)

First of all, thanks to everyone who asked why I was not blogging.  Here is an explanation for all of you.

Well, this wasn’t my week.

5 days ago, I had a big fight with Chris, basically because he thinks that I’m a great guy but he also thinks something was wrong with my behavior/me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started to bring lots of moments we had together, and all the time he was pointing the fact that I was doing things in order to have his approval. Which, is true. It’s hard for him to understand that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!

And it’s harder for me to accept it.

After that big fight, the same day, his mother had a huge car accident, and now she’s at the hospital. I was still thinking of how was I supposed to behave/be in order to have a better relationship with him when he knocked on my door with tears in his eyes. I felt so little, so small. I still feel the same way.

I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, and every time I look at him it breaks my heart to see the pain in his look.

Last night, I was mugged in the street. The material things don’t really matter, but the guy put a gun in front of me, and I just gave him everything he wanted. He kicked my back and punch my stomach so hard that I threw up in the street, and the people that was near in the street didn’t even asked me if I was ok.

I’ve never in my entire life felt so insignificant, so useless. I have a relationship that I cannot make works, because I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who is going through a terrible moment, and I don’t know how to tell him that everything’s gonna be alright, ‘cuz I don’t know if it’s gonna be that way. I don’t know what the fuck am I gonna do with my life. And last night, for the first time in my entire life I realize that in this world NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE REST.

The only thing I could do after that, once I got home, was sit on my bed and cry the most bitter tears I’ve ever cried. I haven’t sleep, I haven’t eat, I just want to stop feeling like this, because I can’t understand what is it.

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