Tired (The story of a Lonely Teacher)

August 13, 2007 at 2:41 am (crying, dissapointed, dreams, Shy, unconfident)

Lonely

Today I was thinking about this note*. What could I possibly write to make it funnier? I was thinking about some changes on the speech; being more comedic than dramatic. ‘Cause, you know, if I’m still single, is not because everybody else in this world became blind. Is just that I’ve never was really good at some things (dating being one of ’em).

I was thinking about being a nerd my entire life, and I was told by other people about bullying and stuff. And, sadly, I was thinking about myself back in school. I was not even known by my classmates. I had just one ‘friend’ at school, and he didn’t even like me; he kept having me as his friend because he wanted to get closer to my lil sister. Maybe only the teachers knew about myself because they were sort of afraid that I was some kind of psycho fuck (the fact that I was by myself all the time, and no one spoke to me didn’t really helped) they ‘recommended’ me to a shrink.

C’mon people, I AM JUST SHY!

I can’t picture myself in a party, basically for two reasons: one, I don’t have the kind of friends who go out and party; and two, if I would actually had ’em, maybe they’d be embarrassed because I don’t really know how to be social. I have already a hard time being a teacher, because student’s behavior is way more intense than I remembered. And, most important thing: I just fail to see someone nicely talking to me just because. Back in high school, guys just talked to me because they wanted to approve their finals. After that, they never spoke to me again. I didn’t fit with the dorks. Not even the freaks were my friends…

I’ve been shy since I can recall. Mom tells me that is just because I’m ‘in the wrong path’. That if I catch a nice lady, my life would become easier; I would even be able to speak out freely, without feeling stupid as it usually happens. I hate being like this, I think it’s nonsensical that a 30 yr old guy, who lives on his own, with a nice work, and average looking couldn’t find a way to feel comfortable with himself.

I hate being shy!
I hate being that guy who is so silent that becomes creepy.
I hate that no one ever looked at me when I’m walking down the street.
I hate that I always fell for the wrong guy.
Because basically, my entire life I’ve had crushes on the popular guys, the ones that have a beautiful smile. I don’t even like athletic guys (it’s kinda giving up. If the regular ones don’t even notice me, why should the muscled hunks do it?), I just want to be able to picture myself as a happy guy.

I think I’m pissed off about the way I handle (or don’t handle) socialization. But the most I think about it, the most I get to the same point. I need to stop doing this, ’cause it’s killing me. I don’t want to be known just for my family. At this very moment, I just have two friends. And both of ’em live in another city. I just want…

I just don’t want to be lonely.

*Colleague of mine

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10 Comments

  1. Ed said,

    Hi there uh Arkano if that is your name. I like it when you call me eddie. My cousin used to call me Eduardo. They say 10 percent of all guys are gay. It doesn’t seem like it around here. my parents are very religous and won’t accept my being gay. They say I will burn in Hell if I don’t start fucking women. They wouldn’t let me have any friends or parties when I was a child and that is what made me shy. I am attending Community College and they required I take Speech class. It was hard to get up in front of everyone but I got through it. I hope your day goes well and you have something to smile about. A big hug for you!

  2. Kris said,

    Hey Arkano?

    Ya know, I used to be really shy and still am to this day, not that it would ever go away. But umm, I know it can be really hard but try to smile more often and see how it goes. I’ve read this thing once saying that sometimes the other people are just as worried about what you might think of them, so instead of reaching out they keep to themselves as well. It can be hard sometimes but sometimes if things aren’t working out, we have to sit down and figure out what’s wrong and find ways to fix it.

    You seem like a really great guy and blogging’s a good way to branch out I think. It’s amazing to find people who you can relate to.

    And as far as writing funnier posts, you can do that as well but I think you should write whatever you feel like writing 🙂 I think about writing funny posts on mine but I suck at coming up with one haha. Just be yourself 🙂

    Tae care and hope today’s a better one for you.

  3. ink2metal said,

    hey j,

    take time to smile today. look to the skies and to the sea and just be part of the world. enjoy the warmth of the sun and the sound of the ocean and just smile.

    if you can just learn to smile more and learn to laugh, people will want to be near you and maybe even become friends with you.

    once you stop worrying about the things that are wrong in your life and start enjoying the things that are right, i think you’ll find it easier to be more outgoing and friendly.

    pues, gracias por dejar comentario en el post mio. voy a regresar a tu blog para leer las nuevas aventuras del hombre que sonriese tanto!

    que tenga buen dia 😉

  4. Ed said,

    Wow J you’ve made new friends already. Eddie likes you a lot and wishes it was cool here but not -10 degrees. You’ll make new friends by being a friend. I want to kiss your lips you are a good man and live in an exotic place. See how I slipped my feelings in between regular conversation? You are too handsome and smart if I lived next door to you you would ignore me because I’m an old nerd and ugly.

  5. miketal20 said,

    hi there. i sympathize with you. i’ve been in similar situations. it’s really hard to go out there and be “like” other people. i think that’s the bottomline. we all want to fit in.
    in my case, i keep reminding myself to just be myself. my thinking is that sooner or later i’ll find people who will accept me for who i am, not for what i projected myself to be. it’s a lot better that way.

  6. Ed said,

    I read the comment on Steve’s blog. most of us can not understnd Spanish. I think you said something about most people in the United States don’t understand Spanish and the type you speak is Castillian. Then you said We might need help with the language. Is that right?

  7. Ed said,

    I don’t have a blog because I’m not smart enough to think about what to say everyday. You are too handsome and smart to worry about an old geezer like me. You are so fine and sweet I want you to find a guy who is young and smart.

  8. Ed said,

    If you want to be just friends and have somebody to tell stuff too you can E-Mail me at eddynemo52@ncci.net I promise not to tell any secrets without your permission and hope you’ll do the same for me.

  9. Ed said,

    Buenos Noches Senor J Manana esta mucho mejor adios See I need help with your language, lo ciento

  10. Robert said,

    I think being shy can be a great thing, it’s a form of humbleness in oneself. I used to be very shy, and I’m still, very much. But the older you get, I believe the easier it is to break the silence. Life is too short. One has to set his/her priorities. How badly do you want to talk to that guy? To get what you want? People here are right, smiling is good, and it’s contagious! But you might be smiling a lot already, I don’t know! 🙂

    I had like 2 friends back in junior high and high school, no biggie tho. And I always thought that I had the most boring childhood compared to everyone else. But that’s okay, too. What truly important is how you perceive your life – now. Take care my friend. I hope you feel better today cuz there’s so many beautiful things out there for you to enjoy! xoxo

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