A New Beggining

Well, it’s been a long time since the last time I used this blog.

Today, is my birthday.  Four months ago, I started a journey that would change my life and the vision I had of it.   And at this moment, I’m prouder of myself and my achievements than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

I spent this whole time doing my father’s death wish, which was transmitted to me by his final will.

He left me a ticket to my hometown, Puerto Williams, to take care of his “business”.  Once I got there, I got a letter from him, telling me I was not alone, I had a family to look after (my half brothers and sisters), but he wanted me to know someone else.  I never understand what did he mean, ’till I went to the address marked in the letter.

After my mom died, dad had a second wife, and 3 children with her.  She also passed away 3 years ago.   The thing is my dad was a stubborn-optimistic and once he mourned enough, he decided to date with another girl.  So, this happened at the same time I was moving to Santiago.

Once I got to the girl’s door (let’s say her name was Gale), I started to suspect the whole point…  She was pregnant.  And in less than 3 months, my half-brother should be arriving to this world.

So, I decided to stay with her for a while, to get to know her.  After all, we were about to become family.   The baby was growing up in her womb, and I was feeling very happy at that moment.  In a  way, I knew that was a real opportunity to be supportive to her and to the baby.  I’ve always wanted to have a family, like a father or a big brother (my siblings grew up with her mother; and once she was gone, they  lived with their grandparents, and my dad used to visit them on weekends and holidays).

The pregnancy was a beautiful period, so neat!  I loved learning about what happens in there, how the baby is growing, what happens every single week…  And the birth, the birth was so amazing!  I was with “Gale” the whole time, representing my dad.  I saw my brother (yes, a boy) coming into his world, and it was the most amazing moment I’ve ever had.

After living such a touching moment, I came with the idea: what if Sebastian (that’s my bro’s name) does not necessarily grow up fatherless?  I mean, my dad was gone, but I still was alive.  I was the one who knew my dad the best, and I knew he never wanted to leave a child on their own devices.  He wanted me to meet “Gale”, in order to meet my brother.  I spoke out my mind with her, and she felt relieved and happy about it.

So, I adopted my brother.  He will always know that he was loved, and no matter what happened before, or how far we can be, we are a family.

I have a family.

BTW:  I’m going to New Jersey, from June 21st to July 3rd.  I hope meeting some of you, guys

Last Wish

The man I was is dead, I promise,
Even I feel sorry for him;
so false, so cruel, so crazy,
so absurd in his living, so grotesque.

He passed away today, but it was for the best.
Let’s remember about him and the few true things he had;
the way he loved his work, his lack of money,
the passion he showed every time he talked about you.

He’s gone, but he parted happy.
Upon his lips he had your name, mixed with the flavor of guilt,
in his eyes, the most quiet landscape and in his mouth his last wish:
to hold you tight once more if ever coming back.

And I, the one who saw his longing for your kisses,
I must wait your return, after months of silence,
and give you the hug I owe you and left the departed behind.

I won’t cry, I’ve already cried all the tears life gave me.
I won’t hesitate, doubts will not exist if I see a small smile on your face.
I won’t keep dreaming, because my greatest dream is becoming real.
And I will come back to life, to reinvent the love I made once for you.

Yes,cause from now on, I will love you for the both of us,
And I confess that I, while he was talking about you…
I confess that I also loved you in silence!

—-

Today I’m very happy.

Well, is Valentine’s Day, so I wrote a poem about love…

Thanks everyone for all the support, all the nice comments. I found that I can write interesting lines, so I will be doing this for a while (it might be annoying, but I know you’ll understand).

Hugs and kisses for everyone!

PD: there’s two of you I’m gonna call today.

While people is passing by…

While people is passing by,
Have you ever asked yourself who they are?
Why they fight, what they feel, what they do?
Are they the main characters of romantic stories,
are they slaves of a bitter routine,
are they toys of fate or God’s puppets?

While people is passing by,
and walking with them side by side, you feel, as I do,
that you’re not walking between winners and losers,
but you know you’re walking among survivors.
Among survivors of riots because of hunger,
between survivors of wars started during a chess match.

While people is passing by,
you realize you’re walking between nameless guys and girls,
human beings indifferent to you,
Lives we don’t know, and deaths we don’t care.
They’re only deaths; deaths we read about in morning papers,
cold obituaries, faceless names.

While people is passing by
Wouldn’t you like to know their stories? …I’d do.
I’d like to know about their dreams, learn about their reasons to live. To survive.
I’d like to tell their stories; making them some beautiful moments,
giving them happiness.
I think I should start with myself.
I think i should start to tell my own story.
The story of the forsaken lover.
The story of the betrayed friend.
The story of the dreamer that wakes up
in the middle of a black facades storm.

It’ll be a story of heavens and hells,
of nights of sun and days of full-moon,
of scarred, blackened hearts
and windows that prohibit the sunlight from now on.

Is the replay of the old story,
the same, but with different actors.
The same emotions entwined
and the same collective perversions,
self destructive relationships, ruffled values,
forgotten kids and censored gods.

While people is passing by, now,
I realize I don’t want to tell any stories;
it’s everything, it’s always the same.

Neither I will tell my story.
If you want to know it… imagine it.
Stand up in a corner
and when you see me passing by with the rest of them,
Make me a happy ending.

———-

I wrote this lines this last weekend. I dunno if it’s correct to post this, but I follow some of your advices to share my thoughts in here…

That’s what I’m doing.

Through the looking glass…

To stare at your own reflection might be one of the most mesmerizing experiences that a human being can live. The fact of seeing what the rest sees, what you can’t, what is denied from the moment you were born, makes you achieve a different kind of power, in a higher level in the universe of those who (as you are supposed to) can’t reach their own image.
The mirror will help us to understand since we’re kids who we are. The image that we project in it becomes powerful, because it controls our mind: finally, we can put a shape to what we only knew by intuition.

In the mirror also, you can find temptation and other kind of danger. The known fact of shattering one and the sub sequential 7 years of bad luck; or to put one under your pillow to trap in there your nightmares.  Girls who followed a white rabbit and they can see the world by the other side, trapped but aware of the circumstantial reality; and even those beautiful lads who got caught in the irresistible magnetism of their own reflected image.
Then, is the mirror who gives us a full vision, or is just a sight of our own reality enslaved to our yearning?
I saw in my own mirror awful and beautiful things, at the same time, both of ‘em.
And even if I don’t like it, that’s what I saw. there’s people who is focused on seeing the bad part, and others that simple decide not to see it.

But, no matter what visions shows me (or the reasons for having them so dear), I have no choice than live with what I see: everything I am, I’ve been, and might become.
Audio:  The Gathering - Broken Glass

PS:  By the way I’m fine,  just calibrating myself with all the recent changes in my life.  Kisses and hugs to all of you, thanks for all your support.

23:07

Today was a normal day.

At the office, everyone wanted to get in all the parties going on for this new year.  No one was left behind except me.  I didn’t wanted to be there.

After office, I went to the clinic to visit my father, and he was surprisingly ok.  We talked about life, he asked me about Chris and I lied, telling him that we were happy together.  to my surprise, Chris have been visiting him everyday, talking with him…  Dad told me that he knew he broke up with me, but he was scared, so he set me up, a date in the clinic.  We taled about what happened, and Chris kissed me and asked me if I was able to forgive him…  I did.

I went to say my dad I was about leaving and coming back next day, but daddy was not ok…  Doctor were taking him to surgery, once more.

At 23:07, my dad died.

I want to thank all of the people in here that have been posting, and supporting me.  Guys, I will never have the exact words to say all the things I want to.

I’m gonna be off, for a few days.  Just know that I’m happy that he was looking after me all the time.  And I’m proud to be his son.

I’m the luckiest guy on earth.

Xmas

This Xmas have been the heaviest I’ve ever had.

Chris broke up with me a week ago, who knows why. My dad is in a coma, dying in the clinic. And I have to travel to Argentina to replace the Operations Director who is having personal issues.

If you were just wondering why I was not blogging, that’s the reason(s). I’ve been between job, clinic and the cellphone, trying to make some sense of everything.

Song: “Day after yesterday” by Agua De Annique

Mood: Tired of being “just waiting”.

Full Of Grace

I’m wondering how life is this way.  Last week was one of the most awful weeks I ha in my entire life, and now I have some answers that makes me feel better.  Different, but better anyway.

First of all, Chris and I have been talking a lot about our relationship. We found out that what he pointed as a bad aspect, is something that is also in his mind because of he’s afraid not being good enough for me.  These days have been really tough for him, ‘cuz his mom is better but still the possibility of having her walking again is far of her reach.  There was some serious damage on the spine and some nerves got totally destroyed.  But Chris seems to deal with it better than last week.  I’ve also tried to be there for him a lot, and even took some time that I had for the job (workaholic) to be exclusively with him, join him to downtown to do some paperwork, paying the bills he doesn’t have time to pay, etc.  I want to let him know that I might not be the most clever guy in the world, but I’m there for anything he needs, from preparing a cup of tea to dry his tears.

And I realize that I really love him and want to be with him. And he told me today that he really feels that I’m the most amazing guy he have known and he feels blessed for having the opportunity to be with me  *__*

Yesterday, I could finally sleep all night.  There were some nightmares, but Chris held me in his arms and calmed me down the whole night.  Yesterday I also stopped barfing at all (when I get nervous, I start throwing up almost uncontrollably) and finally I look like a normal guy.  And of course I started going to a therapist for all the mugging stuff (I think is better than just dealing with it myself.  Right now, I can do some stuff but I cannot take care of everything).

And also, I took a new Xmas ritual: go to the Post Office and take a letter with you (in here children writes a letter to Santa).  The idea is that letters came from children in social risk you can choose one and give the present they asked in that letter.  I’ve took two of them, one who asked for a Xmas dinner (that one broke my heart: a 6 y.o. girl who wants as only Xmas gift a dinner for her and her mother, because her mom is ill and she cannot cook anymore), and one who asked for notepads and pencils because she wanted to study next year…

I know right now I’m not in the best place for taking care of someone else’s burdens; but in Xmas is when children dream and just knowing that a smile was brought up for something I did, it just makes me feel better with myself and the rest of the world.

Thanks everyone for posting, you’ve been my inspiration to get better

I feel the gravity of it all…

First of all, thanks to everyone who asked why I was not blogging.  Here is an explanation for all of you.

Well, this is definitely not my week.

5 days ago, I had a big fight with Chris, basically because he thinks that I’m a great guy but he also thinks something was wrong with my behaviour. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he started to bring lots of moments we had together and all the time he was pointing the fact that I was doing things in order to have his approval. Which, is true. It’s hard for him to understand that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!!!

And it’s harder for me to accept it.

After that big fight, the same day, his mother had a huge car accident, and now she might never walk again. I was still thinking of how was I supposed to behave/be in order to have a better reltionship with him when he knocked on my door with tears in his eyes. I felt so little, so small. I still feel the same way.

I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, and everytime I look at him it breaks my heart to see the pain in his gaze.

3 days ago, my father called me, and news wasn’t good this time. He has leukemia, again. And it seems that this time is here to stay. Just realizing my dad will die sooner than I thought, it’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to say or do, I feel lost. Small and lost.

And last night, I was robbed in the street. The material things don’t really matter, but the guy put a gun in front of me, and I just gave him everything he wanted. He kicked my back and punch my stomach so hard that I threw up in the street, and the people that was near in the street didn’t even asked me if I was ok.

I’ve never in my entire life felt so insignificant, so useless. I have a relationship that I cannot make works, because I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend who is going through a terrible moment, and I don’t know how to tell him that everything’s gonna be alright, ‘cuz I don’t know if it’s gonna be that way. I have a father who’s dying and I don’t know what the fuck am I gonna do without him in my life. And last night, for the first time in my entire life I realize that in this world NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE REST.

The only thing I could do after that, once I got home, was sit on my bed and cry the most bitter tears I’ve ever cried. I haven’t sleep, I haven’t eat, I just want to stop feeling this awful pain inside my soul, but somehow I think this time I’m not gonna feel happy and free again in a long time.

Ok, it’s MeMe time!!!

I’ve been a little bit down this days, and it’s just because. I have no reason for being sad/miserable, but that’s the way it happened.  So, I’m done with it.  That’s why I’m back posting.   Luv y’all!

5 Things in My BackPack Briefcase

1. Notebook (How could I live withouth it?)

2. My cellphone ( sony-ericsson-w580.jpg I love it!!!)

3. Perfume ( 1.jpg I never go out whitout it)

4. Cigarretes (I’m sorry, I’m an addict)

5. Another Shirt or T-shirt (you never know…)

5 Things in My Wallet
1. Cash

2. My Master (Love it)

3. Chris Picture

4. Love Letters (Chris use to write one every day)

5. Receipts

5 Things I Like Most in My House

1. Chris on my bed (no coments)

2. My bed

3. My PC

4. My TV

5. My Playstation

5 Things I’d Like To Try

1. Bein not a workaholic

2.Travel around the world

3. Stay in bed a whole weekend just ordering food over the phone.

4. Play Final Fantasy X-2

5. Sing in Public

5 Things I’m Doing Now

1. Watching videos on youtube

2. Trying to figure out how can I do 5 things at the same time.

3. Eating Lunch at my office

4. Talking with Chris on MSN

5. Making Plans for tonight.

Melancholic Me

Jose González - Heartbeats

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influense
We had devine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then releaf

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeths
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn’t be good enough
For me, no.

********

Have a nice nice day.